


Love is Hard Enough

by lunarlychallenged



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Red String of Fate, Soulmate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 05:17:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14969888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarlychallenged/pseuds/lunarlychallenged
Summary: Jared Kleinman didn't believe in soulmates, but you knew that you would find yours sooner or later.  That red string of fate was inevitable.





	Love is Hard Enough

Jared blew a large bubble of gum, and you watched as it grew bigger, bigger, bigger. When it popped, it echoed across the packed auditorium. People in the rows ahead of you turned, faces masks of confusion and annoyance.

“Can it,” you hissed to him.

“The speakers say the same thing every year,” he whispered back. “They say the same thing as every other grown up. Why listen? You already know it.”

To be ready. To be sure you weren’t missing something. In case somebody knew a secret way to figure out who your soulmate was without falling in love first. You didn’t want to say any of those reasons to Jared, so you stayed silent. When he started blowing another bubble, you smacked it with an open palm, wincing as the gum plastered itself across your hand. You had hoped it would pop against his face, but he was spotless when you pulled your hand back.

He laughed at you as you shot him a withering look, hand plastered with pink gum. “I hate you,” you whispered.

“Nope,” he whispered back. His eyes were bright behind his thick glasses. “You loooooooove me. You want me to be your soooooooooul mate.”

You elbowed him in the side, focusing on the speaker on stage. She didn’t have anything new to say, but you still liked hearing it over again.

 

 

“I can’t believe you buy into that,” Jared scoffed once the assembly ended. He drove you home from school every day, saying that he would save you from the bus if you bought snacks for movie nights or game marathons. “The two connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.” His voice had turned breathy as he mocked the words that covered the pamphlets you had been given. “What garbage.”

“I can’t believe you don’t. How can you hear so many stories about people who found their soulmate, and still believe there’s no such thing?”

“We can’t see it, Y/N.” Jared handed you the AUX cord without looking to see you take it. “These red strings supposedly show up if we’ve fallen in love with our soulmates, but who can prove it? I could say that Amy Adams is my soulmate, and nobody could disprove it. She wouldn’t be able to either, unless she fell in love with me and didn’t see it.”

“Skip the conspiracy theories, Jared. I believe it. I want it.” You put on a Spotify playlist called ‘Make Jared Shut Up.’ His eyes widened with delight when ‘Come on Eileen’ started to play, effectively ending the conversation.

 

 

You watched Mark Riley cross the cafeteria, sighing with your chin propped up on one hand.

“Eye sex works better when the other person is looking back at you,” Jared said.

“Shut up.”

“Really, if it isn’t consensual eye sex, you’re kind of eye raping him,” Jared continued.

You scowled at him, tossing a Dorito at him. “Mark will realize he wants my eye sex one of these days. This is eye foreplay.”

He waggled his eyebrows at you. “Maybe you should get some eye experience, to make sure you know what you’re doing when the time comes. Wanna have a staring contest?”

You laughed. You didn’t look back at Mark. Mark certainly wouldn’t be looking back, not anytime soon, so you could look at him later without fear of being caught. 

Mark was a basketball player, and you sometimes dragged Jared along to games just to watch him play. Jared hated it, but you didn’t want to go alone. Anybody else would have pushed you to talk to the unwitting receiver of your love, so it was better to take the one person who would rather tease than encourage.

“Did you see that the pizza place switched out the pinball machine again?” Jared grinned at you before taking a swig of chocolate milk. He liked playing the new machines every time they switched, though you told him that the games were hardly different, aside from the themes.

“No way,” you said dryly.

“We’ve gotta check it out,” he said with relish. “You and me, Saturday?”

“I can’t,” you said. “My parents want to deep clean the house for literally no reason.” You didn’t care about the pinball machine, but you would rather do anything than clean the house. 

He deflated a little. “Another time, then.”

“Totally.” You always went with him. He didn’t have to look so disappointed.

 

 

“This candy bar is my soulmate,” you said dreamily. You took a big bite out of it, absently watching Jared fold a basket of laundry his mother pushing into his arms.

“You could help,” he said dryly.

Ignoring him, you continued thinking about the candy. “If I ate the side where the string is tied, do you think I’d see the string going down by throat in the mirror? Would I poop it out?”

Jared chortled. “Oh my God, Y/N, shut up.” He turned to you and blanched.

You blinked at him, halfway into another bite. Your heart stopped, suddenly terrified by his wide, frozen eyes. “Jared? What is it? Is everything okay?”

He looked at you for a second longer before giving you a shaky smile. “Totally. Seeing you deepthroat that candy bar just gave me some serious dude feelings in the dude areas, and I had to get it under control.”

“You’re the worst.” You took a deep breath to calm yourself. He was still pale, but his smile was back in full force.

“Don’t worry. I came to my senses when I remembered that time we dissected a frog in bio-”

“No.”

“And you tried to inflate the lungs with that straw -”

“Jared.”

“But you accidentally inhaled -”

“Please.”

“And sucked in the lung juice. You vomited everywhere. Remember?”

“I couldn’t possibly forget,” you said. Just thinking about it made you taste that chemical, vaguely rotten flavor. You shoved the candy in your mouth to cover it up, deciding the interpret the soft, bewildered look on Jared’s face as nostalgic, though that day with the frog was the worst day of your life.

 

 

On screen, Meg Ryan stood on the Empire State Building. She turned to see Tom Hanks, each of them staring at the other as they took in the red string linking their pinkies.

“See?” Jared threw a halfhearted handful of popcorn at the screen. “Tom Hanks was supposed to be super in love with his wife, but look at that. His soulmate was somebody totally different.”

“That doesn’t lessen the value of their relationship,” you said. “It just means that the person made for him was somebody else. It’s not like you can’t love somebody else. It’s not like they can’t be happy with somebody that isn’t their soulmate.”

“Exactly,” he muttered. “Love is complicated enough without soulmates mucking it up. I hate soulmates.”

You turned to him in surprise. “How can you hate something that isn’t real?”

He avoided your eyes, shrugging.

“You believe it.” You were openly gaping at him now, not bothering to hide the smile that grew. “You believe in soulmates. I thought it was supposed to be garbage. What happened to garbage?”

“Life happened to garbage. Life became garbage,” Jared said. “That doesn’t mean I like it, Y/N. How terrible is it that we know somebody out there is made for us, but we won’t know if we’ve found that person until we’ve already fallen in love? Look at poor Tom Hanks, who had to decide whether or not to stay with that first wife, knowing that somebody else out there was looking for him.”

You frowned. ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ was a great movie, but it was just a movie. “They still found each other.”

“But what if they hadn’t? He had to have known that he was possibly dooming his soulmate by staying with the other woman. Meg Ryan had to know the same thing with her fiance. If you love somebody who isn’t your soulmate, would you rather leave them to wait for the real thing, or stay with the person you love anyway?”

“Me personally?” Jared nodded at you. “I don’t know. I guess the person I love. Who knows if I’ll ever meet my soulmate, much less fall in love with him.”

He sank lower into the couch, watching the credits scroll. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “Love is hard enough without soulmates.” 

 

 

The bleachers were full of people. The air was thick with the smell of sweat and cardboard-like popcorn. You didn’t care much about the basketball game itself, but you would have simply walked into Mordor if somebody said that Mark Riley would be there. You said so to Jared, but he didn’t laugh. You turned to him, wondering if he hadn’t heard you, but he was looking seriously at you.

“Y/N?” Jared’s face was serious, eyes a little wide. “Do you love Mark?”

“Dunno,” you said uneasily. Why did Jared seem so serious about it? It had been a joke. “I’ve never talked to him. Hard to love somebody I don’t know anything about.”

“You know plenty,” Jared said dryly. “You talk my ear off about him all the time.”

“It’s not really love unless I know him for real. It’s just a fantasy.” You jokingly patted Jared on the arm. “No red string yet. Maybe I’ll drop my handkerchief so he can pick it up. When our eyes meet over the embroidered cloth, the string will appear. Then I’ll just have to woo him until he sees it.”

“Mark Riley is not your soulmate,” Jared scoffed.

“How do you know?”

“He just isn’t,” Jared said firmly. “No way.” He bit into his hot dog enthusiastically, ignoring your eyes.

You turned back to the game, but something about Jared’s words made it hard to focus. His certainty rubbed you the wrong way, since Jared didn’t know Mark any better than you did. How should Jared know who your soulmate was?

The answer, of course, was that Jared had no way to know. You should have been able to ignore him. You wished you could ignore him. The trouble was that you trusted Jared. It was a stupid, instinctual trust borne from years of slogging through high school together. He trusted you to help him establish lines to avoid crossing. You trusted him to pull you out of your head and into reality.

Mark Riley is not your soulmate.

You hadn’t thought that he was, exactly, but hearing Jared say it so bluntly made the butterflies in your stomach stop fluttering. Strange.

 

 

At lunch, Zoe tried to coerce Evan into going to the couple’s skate with her. “We get in for half price! It’s a steal.”

“I don’t like skating,” he protested. He didn’t have to say what he really meant: he wasn’t any good at skating, and he couldn’t bear the humiliation of skating badly in front of people.

“But you like me,” she crooned. When he only wiped his hands on his pants, she switched tactics. “Besides, Jared is terrible at skating, so it’s not like you’d be alone.”

You and Jared, who had been flicking a crouton back and forth on the table, tuned in.

“I’m not that bad,” Jared protested. Nobody bothered to correct him, though he could hardly stand in a pair of skates.

“Why does Jared’s crappiness affect whether Evan goes skating tonight?” You blinked at Zoe in confusion, wondering if your brain was buffering. If brains could buffer at all.

“The two of you will come with us tonight, right?” Zoe beamed at you.

“To a couple’s skate?” 

“We’re going to the basketball game to see Y/N’s dreamboat,” Jared said quickly. “No can do.”

Evan gave in to Zoe, which all of you had known he would eventually do. Jared kept his eyes glued to the crouton for the rest of the lunch period. He practically ran when the bell rang.

On the way out of the lunchroom, you grabbed Zoe’s arm. “What was that?”

“What?”

“The whole ‘you and Jared should totally come’ thing. What are you playing at?” 

“Come on, Y/N,” she scoffed. “Jared totally likes you. I’ll bet he’d be willing to wobble around the rink, if you were holding his hand.”

“He doesn’t like me,” you said. The very thought of it made your heart feel all anxious, like you couldn’t get enough air. It wasn’t a bad feeling, exactly, but it was a weird one. Not one worth feeling, since it wasn’t true.

“Please. He looks at you like it’s the first time he’s seen you, every time.”

“He’s practically anti-love!” Jared Kleinman, who spat on the idea of soulmates, would never stoop so low as to liking you. He wouldn’t put himself on the line that way.

“He’s anti-heartbreak,” she corrected. The words rang true, even as she continued. “He doesn’t want to get hurt, and who could blame him? You walk around making heart eyes at somebody you never plan on talking to, and Jared can’t tell that it’s a fantasy you don’t plan on pursuing.”

“It could happen,” you said, but knew it wasn’t true. If Mark ever tried to talk to you, you would probably stop liking him soon after. The appeal was in the distance; it relied on the distance.

“But you won’t let it. Jared doesn’t know that.”

You weren’t sure why the conversation had switched from skating to why Jared wasn’t making a move, and you weren’t sure why it mattered to you.

 

 

“So, do we want to get food before the basketball game, or after?” Jared always asked, though you always ended up doing both.

“Actually,” you said casually, “I was thinking we could skip the game. Check out the pinball machine.”

“What?”

“The pinball machine,” you said. Jared was gaping at you, but you didn’t want him to think it was a big deal. It was, but he didn’t need to think so. “You wanted to go see it, but we haven’t yet. Let’s get pizza and play the game. Make a night of it, you know?”

“We can do that and the basketball game,” Jared said. He looked honestly baffled.

“I just don’t feel like going.”

“Did something happen? With Mark, I mean?”

“No,” you said with surprise. “No, Mark is fine. I just think that you’re right. It’s not going to be him. I don’t even like basketball, so why waste my time?”

“You don’t like him anymore?” Jared’s eyes were bright, and Zoe’s words echoed through you. Your chest got that tight feeling again, but it was less weird this time.

“Nah. I do like pizza and pinball, though, so are you in or not?”

“I’m in,” he said with a newfound cheer.

 

 

Jared was an expert at pinball. He was quick with his hands in a way that he had never been with his feet. It was kind of magical to watch, and you found yourself staring at his hands more than usual. 

Jared lost the game and turned to you, thankfully unaware of the way your gaze lingered on the curve of his thumb, the way your chest ached at the pale skin of his naked pinky.   
“How much change do we have left?” 

You dug in your pockets and pulled out two quarters. “You?”

“I’m broke, boss.” The two of you stared at the change. Enough for one more game. Jared had played more than you, but he also liked it more. “You take it,” he finally said.

“No, you. You’ll have more fun.”

“And I need you to realize how good the game is. Play, and learn,” he said without room for debate.

You stared him down, knowing that he wouldn’t budge. You just wanted to watch him go. “Both of us,” you said. “Each of us takes one side.”

He blinked at you, the initial dismay shifting into interest. “That’ll be hard.”

“That’s the point, dillweed.”

The two of you positioned yourselves side by side, each with one hand on a side of the machine. The first ball didn’t last too long; it was difficult to time your movements. Your side pressed firmly into his, and you thought that both of you were a little flustered by it.

The second ball lasted a little longer, though you could feel Jared twitching toward your side every time it fell into your domain. He would pull back hurriedly, too focused on the game to make a joke about the close quarters. 

Once, when you felt him twitch toward the button on your side, you felt a twinge of irritation. It was distracting to feel him moving every time. When his hand got close, you grabbed it. You held his hand without thinking as the two of you kept the ball rolling and soaring. 

When the ball fell, you realized that you hadn’t let go. Jared hadn’t either. “Last ball,” he said. 

“Bring it on,” you said. You readjusted your hand to hold his a little tighter. 

At game over, you looked down at your joined hands and stopped breathing. A thin, red cord was winding from your pinky to his.

The red string of fate, you thought dreamily. The two connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

Mark Riley was not your soulmate.

You were in love with Jared Kleinman.

Fancy that.

Jared was looking at your hands too, but he didn’t look like he was seeing anything out of the ordinary. He smiled at you. “Skipping right from eye sex to seduction, huh?”

You shrugged, a foolish grin lighting you from the inside out. “Our hands look good together. I never noticed until just now.”

His smile faltered as his eyes narrowed. “No? What changed?”

Now you were suspicious. Maybe he knew, but if he didn’t, you didn’t want to force it. “A new accessory,” you said vaguely.

“Red?”

“And joint custody,” you agreed.

His smile returned. It was all over his body, shining from his eyes and bursting from his now trembling hand. “Took you long enough.”

“When did you find out?” You were incredulous, but you suddenly understood his change of heart. Of course he started believing in soulmates. He figured out that he had one.

“The time you deepthroated a candy bar.”

You gave a helpless laugh. “You handled it well.”

“I’m pretty smooth,” he agreed. He pulled you out the door to his car, never taking his hand from yours. The red string coiled around your finger seemed to glow as it swayed, as though your happiness filled it with joy. “It won you over, didn’t it?”

You scoffed, but didn’t deny it. If he had changed at all, you might not have realized that you loved him until later. You loved this. You loved the teasing and the mocking; the awkward conversations and the wonderful clarity.

He only let go of you long enough for the two of you to get in the car. Even then, the string held on. It wouldn’t break. It would hold the two of you together when you couldn’t do it yourselves. That didn’t quell the desire to grab him again in the car, but it made walking into your house later easier. Having Jared as your soulmate wouldn’t make loving him easier, but it would reaffirm that you weren’t stupid to do so. It was true love, after all.


End file.
